Battling Post Partum Depression
I never thought that life after giving birth is this difficult. My whole pregnancy was not difficult at all. Even my 13 hours labor was a piece of cake (thanks to my anesthesiologist :p ). My first 24 hours with our little angel was indescribable. The happiness and excitement we felt is something we can’t compare with anything. Then came his first cry that we couldn’t control. I just cried that night and felt that I might not be giving enough comfort and food (breastmilk) to our little angel. He slept crying that night… Both of us. Morning came and we were ecstatic again. Relatives and some friends are really happy to see our little Emmanuel. And that made me forget of my worries. Then we were left again that night (me, Jay and Emmanuel). He cried again at exactly the same hour he did the other night. And he wouldn’t stop. Thanks to ms. Nurse who helped us put him back to sleep. The following day, the resident pedia explained to us why he is awake at night. First, that’s his routine when he’s still inside my tummy. He cries because he might be hungry, ouchy tummy or soiled diaper. I thought we got all the infos that time and were good to go home.
Home sweet home, it feels no better place but to be home. But start again of another adjustment. Me and Jay are really on our own in taking care of Emmanuel. No more nurse aid during the night. And my fears that time was right. We couldn’t make him stop. We slept that night hugging each other. After numerous research we concluded that he’s not getting enough milk from me. Not that Im not producing enough milk. Actually I’m producing more than enough for his needs. It’s just he couldn’t suck properly. There’s nothing more depressing than that situation. I felt Im not a good provider. I’m just putting humor with my flat nipple and usually joke around that it’s a result of flat chested and suddenly was given size 38 cup b!
From that day on we decided to pump out my breastmilk. Even if it means I need to be up every 3 hours a day to feed and pump milk. Basically I have 1 hour to sleep, eat and do stuffs for myself (for every 3 hour routine). Never thought being a mom is that exhausting. Coz of that, my wound got infected, I had fever, I had bad acid reflux. I found myself crying again. Thinking i even dont have the luxury of time to get sick. Fortunately, Jay is always there to support me. I wouldn’t blame him if he will just cry with me one time. He does all the chores that I can’t do. He’s giving me a boost even if there are times he needed it more than I do.
Today, I’m writing this coz I’m feeling better and I have some extra time to write :). I’m feeling better each day as well. Whenever I see our little angel… He’s giving us the strength that we need.
Parenthood is really a tough and fulfilling job. It’s something we are not paid to do. But the smiles of your little angel is more than enough…
