thinking aloud

I never thought that life after giving birth is this difficult. My whole pregnancy was not difficult at all. Even my 13 hours labor was a piece of cake (thanks to my anesthesiologist :p ). My first 24 hours with our little angel was indescribable. The happiness and excitement we felt is something we can’t compare with anything. Then came his first cry that we couldn’t control. I just cried that night and felt that I might not be giving enough comfort and food (breastmilk) to our little angel. He slept crying that night… Both of us. Morning came and we were ecstatic again. Relatives and some friends are really happy to see our little Emmanuel. And that made me forget of my worries. Then we were left again that night (me, Jay and Emmanuel). He cried again at exactly the same hour he did the other night. And he wouldn’t stop. Thanks to ms. Nurse who helped us put him back to sleep. The following day, the resident pedia explained to us why he is awake at night. First, that’s his routine when he’s still inside my tummy. He cries because he might be hungry, ouchy tummy or soiled diaper. I thought we got all the infos that time and were good to go home.

Home sweet home, it feels no better place but to be home. But start again of another adjustment. Me and Jay are really on our own in taking care of Emmanuel. No more nurse aid during the night. And my fears that time was right. We couldn’t make him stop. We slept that night hugging each other. After numerous research we concluded that he’s not getting enough milk from me. Not that Im not producing enough milk. Actually I’m producing more than enough for his needs. It’s just he couldn’t suck properly. There’s nothing more depressing than that situation. I felt Im not a good provider. I’m just putting humor with my flat nipple and usually joke around that it’s a result of flat chested and suddenly was given size 38 cup b!

From that day on we decided to pump out my breastmilk. Even if it means I need to be up every 3 hours a day to feed and pump milk. Basically I have 1 hour to sleep, eat and do stuffs for myself (for every 3 hour routine). Never thought being a mom is that exhausting. Coz of that, my wound got infected, I had fever, I had bad acid reflux. I found myself crying again. Thinking i even dont have the luxury of time to get sick. Fortunately, Jay is always there to support me. I wouldn’t blame him if he will just cry with me one time. He does all the chores that I can’t do. He’s giving me a boost even if there are times he needed it more than I do.

Today, I’m writing this coz I’m feeling better and I have some extra time to write :). I’m feeling better each day as well. Whenever I see our little angel… He’s giving us the strength that we need.

Parenthood is really a tough and fulfilling job. It’s something we are not paid to do. But the smiles of your little angel is more than enough…

It’s been more than 8 years and until now I’m missing you still and missing you more… my ever loyal father who always defend me from everyone even to my mother. You’re more happy than me when I’m joyous… and you’re more sad when I’m down and lonely. I’m missing you so much… Why can’t I feel the same for her… The openness we had… The understanding you give… The trust you gave me coz you know I won’t break it. Why can’t she be the same? 8 years tay… And I’m still working on it…

Almost ruled by negativity. My notes a few hours ago and my stand for now:
1) He’s not just into you/Just a movie
2) Hunted by the past/Don’t let past ruin everything.
3) White light blinking makes me paranoid/Change the color? :)
4) So wrong/So what’s so right?
5) Depresses me/Will make me more sad

Four days straight and promised not to take any alcohol except for isoprophyl :)

It started with me getting “praning” and thinking of something that shouldn’t be thought. Not being contented of what I have and hurrying things. Expecting too much and getting frustrated at the end. Then I snapped out it. Or should I say my friend had me realized to take it slow and just go with the flow.

Next day was steady day at first. I got a very unexpected phone call. But not too long my day was ruined by something and someone. Felt really frustrated coz I’m working like hell and still it was unappreciated.

And she didn’t stop until the following day. Ate sermon almost the whole day. Discovered something though, that it was fun to drink then jog hahaha didn’t notice that I’m already doing more than my capacity then.

Then it was friday night… Chill mode… Just a couple of glasses while working and chitchats with J and his kuya. Talked about SDR and planning something evil haha Anyway headed down south… samahan daw kame ng mga sawi… Chitchats until we noticed it’s already saturday am hehehe

Will definitely end this week right. Sober or not :D

1) When tatay bought me my first camera with 110 film and out of 12 shots, I took less than 5 successful photos harhar
2) When nanay bought me my first car.
3) When tatay allowed me to get my drivers license.
4) When I was allowed to go out of town with J’s family (back in college)
5) When I first got super drunk and made a scene in front of starbucks 6750 (hahaha kadiri but laugh trip)
6) When R gave me a surprise visit at work.
7) When I get drunk with friends and we just laugh it out.
8) The first time I went scuba diving
9) Our calatagan days
10) Beach bum… Drink… Puff… While the sun sets.
11) When JMV makes kulet.
12) Bora 2010. No pretensions.
13) One evening, I just ate charlies burger at home with the whole family.
14) The first time I went to Nuvali and fell in love with the place.
15) When I learned to ride a bike.
16) To be friends again with B.
17) Our chismisan time (with L and M… Miss it!)
18) The first time JMV asked me out.
19) When kuya told me a secret and told me not to tell nanay and tatay
20) When my niece was born.
21) Whenever I get a gift and I unwrap it.
22) When J and I finally talked after 5 years
23) When I saw R after 3 years.
24) The time I got my first bonus.
25) Whenever me and my friends have r get together na complete.
26) My surprise bday party.
27) Collage… Pictures…
28) I was asked to join the math quiz bee
29) Bivouac 1999.
30) School days :)

1) No texting during office hours (except lunch break, merienda and yosi breaks hahaha)
2) No texting beyond 8pm on weekdays
3) Smile less (kse mukha kang loka loka)
4) Lessen mood swings (5 in a day instead of 10???)
5) Think less. Be contented. Don’t expect too much.

For 22 years we celebrate father’s day and my birthday together with a ton of crowd. And I hate it. Long que in restaurants. Longer serving time of food etc. etc…
But I missed the days. I miss my “tatay” so much. My brother is such a bad company during father’s day.

1) For you to enjoy it, you must be a nature lover.
2) Someone should also invent fly repellent lotion coz the whole island is not just mosquito infested but plenty of flies too (coz it’s rainy season already).
3) Geckos don’t bite they are just one scary “noisy lacoste” (term from B).
4) If you travel alone it’s either you’re broken hearted or you’re looking for a partner (one mom asked me).
5) Really, this is one small world. You’ll always find someone you know or you’ll find out to be a relative.
6) Don’t drink and dive.
7) If you have colds, don’t dive too. 8) Foreigners are more friendly than group of brat Filipino kids traveling together (esp to a loner like me).
9) When you’re in near death situation, you will definitely learn to pray.
10) Some things we took for granted are really important to others. It pays to be socially aware of the conditions of the people in places we go. A little help can change lives.

1) I need a place where I can go to whenever I don’t want to hear my mother’s ranting, see my brat niece, see my lazy brother etc etc. I just want a peaceful place.
2) I hate my job coz it’s just income generating and I’m stuck already. No growth.
3) I want a simple life. I want to be domesticated.
4) I want my own life. I don’t want to live day by day coz or for some people.
5) Just for once I want to be selfish.

…Back in Manila and I need to prepare BR “shits” for some account!